<< Gross Out Alert <<

I was at a party chatting up a boy I was seriously interested in & sparks were flying. This is where I should tell you that before said party, my dinner included at least 16 ounces of refried beans. This was not the best idea, especially since during said party, I was drinking hard apple cider. Needless to say, the combination was a digestive nightmare and in the middle of my attempts to entice him into a sexual partnership, I farted. It was the worst smelling fart in the history of farts. The only saving grace was to act like I wondered who in the crowded room just expelled such a fowl gas & we both laughed it off & went outside. Things went well after that until one hour later when I did it again. There was no way to blame the hideousness on anyone else this time. Needless to say, I never saw him again.

Walking home from work on a comfortable warm evening, I noticed a kid in his early 20’s going up to people on the sidewalk and saying something to them before they shook their heads and walked away. I overheard him ask one business lady dressed in a skirt, suit jacket and white tennis shoes, if she would buy him a camera. She shook her head and picked up her pace to get away from him. I walked passed him, but instead of speaking to me, he went up to an older man and asked him if he would buy him a leather wallet. The man of course said no and walked away. I lingered so that I would have another chance to walk by the kid in hopes he would speak to me. He was your run-of-the-mill white kid, medium height, mussed, brown hair and freckled face. As I walked passed him for the second time, he leaned my way and asked if I would buy him a Velvet Underground CD. I said: “sure”! I had a bunch of tip money burning a hole in my pocket anyway & I knew it would surprise the kid to get any takers. He said there was a record store a few blocks away, so we walked there together, exchanging names and humorous small talk. I started to fantasize that he would think I was so cool for going along with this and we would become fast friends. I thought about having him come home with me to hang out & get some lunch and explaining to my roommate how we met, having a good laugh over the whole thing. The store did not have any Velvet Underground CD’s, so he wanted to get a Deep Purple album instead. I said, sorry, I agreed to velvet Underground. So then he asked if he could get a Lou Reed CD and I acquiesced, because it was close enough. After I bought him the CD, he said thanks and took off, our new-found friendship gone forever. I am just glad he did not ask me to buy him a stereo!

Needless to say, I only lasted at that late night bar waitress gig for about two weeks. I was a terrible waitress & it was a scary place. I should have known something was up the day I applied for the job, when they called me that night at 2:00 am to start work the next day. I worked in the food section of the bar, but would have to go out into the bar area and try to get the drunks to buy burgers, fries or the pasta special. I was encouraged to flirt to try and get the patrons to buy me a drink. A few shots of tequila certainly did nothing to improve my waitress skills.

Everyone that worked there was an alcoholic, especially the owner, who’s pocked-face was swollen from all the years of liquor abuse. He was the meanest looking man in the world and had once beaten an obnoxious customer over the head with a pool cue, severely injuring him.

My friend had an extra ticket to see a band I liked on a night I had to work. I decided then and there to quit, so I called in and said I had been mugged and could not work there anymore. I know it is weird to make up a story, but I am not the type to pull a no-show & I figured the mugging excuse was very believable, considering the dangerous part of the city the bar was located. Without sympathy, they bought my story, & I was free from botching food orders and pandering to drunks.